Another life post for my “It’s Going to be OKAY” “All things Wonderful” category. One of the reasons why I started Little Gal in the City was to journal my thoughts/emotions. It eventually turned into a blend of that and a recipe blog. Today’s post is about finding joy in the chaos of life. It’s about my past relationship, and how I’m trying to find joy on my own.
I think one of the hardest things I struggle with is being so hard on myself. I care too much, I love too much, I feel too much. Which isn’t a bad thing. I just don’t internalize those things towards myself. I like to take care of others, make them happy and feel loved. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m getting hurt (or I do, but choose to ignore it). My past relationship was one of the hardest, most painful experiences. I learned a TON, not only what I don’t want in a relationship (ever) but also a lot about myself, my habits, my personality. For awhile after I ended it, I noticed bits and pieces of anger, sadness, and self hate kept coming up. I’d meet new guys, and notice similar (bad) habits of my ex. I’d feel anger creep up inside me, and run. Run from them (because I didn’t want to hurt anyone) run from myself. I keep running. But from what? Am I always running from myself? Am I scared to show the World how sensitive I am? Scared that it’ll hurt me? I don’t like feeling such pain. My life is good, yet I’m trying to sink myself, seeing if I can swim, if I really have what it takes. I feel like I’m always testing myself, I’m my own bully. I knock myself down and then get mad when I don’t get back up or I don’t get back up quick enough.
After I ended my relationship, I got rid of everything. Tried to start with a clean white board. I broke up with my ex 3 times. The third time was when he crashed my car. It was late, I was too tired to drive him home and I let him borrow my car. He went out, got drunk, and crashed my car into the curb. Causing $4,000 in damage. My insurance went up to over $300. Honestly I’m surprised at how calm I stayed. He called me late that evening, drunk and crying and kept saying the “car was broken”. I asked if he was hurt (he wasn’t) so I told him to walk home and we’ll figure it out in the morning. This all happened when we get a few days of snow, and crazy icy roads. The next morning, all bus routes were shut down and the road to where my car was sitting, was closed. My ex managed to hitch hike a ride to my house. We then walked about 6-8 miles to where my car was. All the towing companies were booked out until later that evening. I was so calm. To this day I’m still surprised. But I knew, that was it. I’m done with this guy. Maybe that was why I was calm? Because it was so clear, this wasn’t a good relationship, and I felt a sense of peace knowing it’ll be over. A sense of peace knowing I was making the right decision.
The one thing I didn’t mention – he was an alcoholic. I stayed in the relationship longer than I should’ve, thinking I could help him end his addiction. Only he could help himself. He lied, he drank, he yelled, he started smoking, and I cried almost every night. I lost a lot of weight. If you’ve read my past posts, you know since my teen years, I’ve struggled with binge eating. Well because I was so focused on helping my ex, and trying to love him, It took all the focus off myself so I didn’t have time to judge myself, or eat away my emotions. I was helping someone and that makes me feel good. Even though towards the end I was hurting, I felt like this was normal, this was what I deserved.
As I look back I realized that I changed myself. In the beginning I was my normal, goofy, weird, silly, sarcastic self. Over time, he didn’t like how silly I was, or my goofy sarcastic jokes. He would snap or get angry. Slowly the light in me kept getting dimmer and dimmer. Until the candle was almost blown out, with that slight light, before the smoke starts coming. I tried to stay true to my beliefs and I’m so very grateful for the strength I had deep inside me, so I was able to continue saving myself for marriage. He kept pushing it, trying to break me. That was the one thing, I kept saying no to. The place where all my strength went.
I never wanted to really talk about this, because I’ve always been afraid of people to see my weak side, my past hurts and mistakes. Even though we all have those, I’ve always been afraid that I’d lose people I’m getting close to if they see this hurting girl. See a girl who’s trying so hard, but deep inside is hurting. A girl who is so hard on herself to be “perfect” but what is perfect? What does that even mean? I want to go back to being a little girl. Before my life drastically changed, before I felt so much pain, anger, sadness. Before I started being hard on myself. Before I developed an eating disorder. But you know what? I would not be the person I am today. I learned from my mistakes, learned from my experiences, learned what I don’t and do want. Now I just have to work on finding joy within myself.
I have a beautiful baby nephew, who I love so very much. I have an amazing dog, who has been through it all with me. He was there with me when my nights were the darkest, when my tears were flooding me. When I needed a friend. He was there. He’s always there. I’ve honestly put all my love into him. He’s my best friend. I have a cat too, but she’s a brat – lol!
The reason for this post, I’m fed up where I’ve put myself. I’m ready to find joy, find balance in my life. I’m tired of covering my emotions with food. Tired of feeling bad about myself. I have a stubborn personality, and I’m constantly being stubborn towards myself. I need to focus more. Focus on routine, on health, on relaxing. My step to finding joy? Going back to what I love. What I’m good at. Back to the person I am. I paint, I play piano, I’m weird, silly, and extremely sarcastic, I love animals, I love nature, I love organizing, I love children, I love throwing the Fall leaves into the air. I want to look back a year, 5 years, 10 years from now and know I enjoyed each day, know how grateful I am for each day. I want to look back and know I was happy. Not stressed, anxious or sad. Truly happy.
Everything can change with the snap of your fingers. After suddenly having my dad die, I’ve realized how quickly my life can change. So my reminder to you and to myself. Love to the fullest, be grateful for each and every day, see the beauty around you (it’s everywhere), love yourself and where you are at in this moment. Even if you are struggling, love yourself through that struggle, know it’ll make you stronger and wiser. We are all trying to make it in this World, let’s all love each other. You never know what someone might be going through. Treat everyone with love and kindness.
A girl relearning to love herself,