It’s freakin’ hard! I’m up then I’m down. I’m on a good track and then I crash, wondering what happened. Why did I trip and fall once again? Why is it so hard to stay on a steady path? Why does each crash seem like it’s worse than the last? Life is rough. We are put through so many tests, so many challenges. Loss, grief, regret, pain, anger, sadness, happiness. So many emotions felt through a single body. We have good days, weeks, months. Then we have bad days, weeks, and unfortunately sometimes bad months.
I’m addicted to food, I binge on things that aren’t “healthy” for me. It’s not as light as it sounds. I’ve struggled with it since I was 13 years old. My weight is constantly fluctuating depending on my good weeks or bad weeks. Any carb or sugar filled food, I have the hardest time controlling myself. It’s not as easy as just “avoiding” it. One bite, one small little taste and I’m a gonner. Everything inside my body is URGING me to consume those foods, over and over again. Until I’m so full I can barely move. I feel disgusted and I hate myself for it. I hide and quickly eat, so know one sees it happening. Most of the time people think I don’t eat because they never see me eat. Little do they know, earlier I probably consumed over 2,000 calories in “unhealthy” food. If people all leave a room where there is food and I’m left alone, I quickly go eat as much I can before I get “caught”. The urge is so strong, 95% of the time I can’t stop it. It feels like I’m punching myself over and over again, while I’m trying to run away from the blows. But I can’t run from myself, so I keep being punched. It’s a vicious, horrible, emotional cycle. I’ve tried seeking help in many different areas. It helps for a short time, then something happens and the “demon” comes back out.
When I get stuck in those cycles. I get very depressed. I wear big sweaters, I don’t want to be around anyone because I feel ashamed, embarrassed for my lack of “self control”. I avoid everyone as best I can.
Last month I was sure I was cured of the food demon. I got on a good track. I pushed myself to get up and get out. Every morning I began going on walks with my dog. We would walk to the local coffee shop near me, to first grab coffee then continued on for an hour. It became a routine I looked forward to. I would go to bed, excited for my walk. I then joined a kickboxing gym. I LOVED it! I was able to release all my stress, my tension and built up emotions. I added that to my morning routine as well. I had an amazing system down. For 2-3 weeks I would wake up at 5:30, put on my workout clothes, head out on an hour walk. Then I’d get home and go to my kickboxing class. I would then make myself a healthy breakfast then head to work. I felt amazing! My mood was up, I had energy, I felt great about life and was truly living in the moment. Then everything changed…
My routine became thrown off. At the same time I started working two jobs and I also couldn’t afford the kickboxing class anymore. My mornings became very different. I started getting up at 6am, going to work at 7:30. Missing breakfast, because I don’t like to eat that early. Then I would leave in the afternoon to head straight to my second job (leaving myself 30 min between to eat lunch). I wouldn’t get home until about 6:30pm. By then I’m exhausted, worn out and I have no energy. As each day went by, turning into weeks my energy, mood, eating habits all diminished. I no longer had energy or the motivation. I spent most of my energy consuming large amounts of food. Hoping to bring my energy and mood up. For a brief moment I would be. Then I would crash even harder. I’m knocked down again. Trying so hard to get myself back up. Back into a routine. Back to the happiness and wholeness I felt. I REALLY want to do the kickboxing class again. I use to go 4-5 times a week. It’s depressing not being able to do something because of money. I try to motivate myself in other ways, try to workout without needing to spend money. It’s just not the same.
I’m at a low right now. I’m reaching up, needing help. Wanting so desperately to overcome this. I want to stay on a steading path. I hate going up and down every 2 weeks. After being knocked out of my routine, I’m currently trying to get myself back into a new one. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. I have to push and fight myself to get through the hard parts. I’m trying to be gentle on myself because the last thing I want to do is make myself even more depressed.
Challenges make us stronger. I think I’m afraid. I need to let go of fear. I need to focus on God. I’ve been through alot and I’ve gotten this far. I will keep going. I will keep trying. I need to be gentle on myself and focus on my gifts and talents. The things I truly love. God will continue to put us through the same challenges, until we become aware of what we are to learn and grow from. I still haven’t learned. There is more healing and growth for me to do in this area. God is by my side through it all. I need to focus on what he is trying to show me. What he is trying to teach me. I get stuck on what I think is “right”, which ends up leaving me still struggling. If we open our eyes, we can see where God is guiding us.
As I end this post, here is something to think about. Are you in a position where you feel stuck? What you want/need is out of reach and you can’t seem to get it? Stop and think. “Why was I brought into this place, situation, job, relationship.” “Are there signs being shown to me as to what I need to do, that I’m not seeing?” If you truly focus on why God put you in the situation you are in. Whether it’s to learn something, help someone, grow and overcome a challenge or to settle down. The right thing will come to you. Something better than what you could dream of. At first it may not seem like it. You may still be focused on what you think is the “right thing”, which will blur your vision from seeing what’s right in front of you. So let go, open your eyes, put yourself out there and trust.