Strong Body, Broken Heart


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Our body is strong, it’s our foundation. We can push our body and we will get a response, making us run faster, farther or slow it down and pace it out. Sometimes our heart can affect our bodies response, as with the brain.

My body needs to be active, I crave it with every muscle in my body when I wake up in the morning. However, for awhile I was having a hard time pushing my body. Getting out of bed was tiring, walking up steps exhausted me and if I sat down for a bit, I didn’t ever want to get back up. I forced myself to move, forced my body to go on walks. My legs felt like weights, weighing me down, making every step tiresome. My knees ached, begging me to stop moving, but I wouldn’t or else I’d go into a deep depression making my body forever fall asleep. I struggled with this for awhile, it came and went. I didn’t know why my body was giving up, making every day a struggle to keep moving. Nothing was physically wrong with me. But there was one thing, deep emotional stress.

My body was emotionally exhausted, I never allow myself to release the stress from my past. I held on to it, making it become me, never letting go. Even though I tried to let go, I wasn’t fully convincing myself I really wanted to let go. I kept it, making it a part of my being, some how convinced it was what defined who I was.

I was able to release my body of some of the stress that was affecting me physically, but I wasn’t able to release it from my heart. I stored it away, filling my heart with the pain, sadness and hurt I encountered. The hardest part is trying to open it back up and letting it all go. I tried everything to relieve myself of my past, but I think deep down I didn’t want to, I was scared, I’m still scared.

I recently saw a healer, hoping she could help me let go. She told me, what I’ve tried to tell myself. My past doesn’t define who I am. I’m holding on to it, because it’s apart of me, but it’s not who I am. I’m stuck with my arms wrapped around my 6-8 year old self. Stuck feeling like I need to protect her. I’m afraid to let go, I’m afraid by letting go I’ll loose my father and the memory of him. By holding on to the past, I feel like I’m keeping myself close to him, keeping him with me. Hearing and knowing that I need to let go, hurts. It really does. It’s opening up that broken piece of my heart that I closed off, and letting everything bleed out again.

Thoughts rush into my mind, Who am I? Who will I be? Where do I go now? All from letting go of one thing, the past. Parts of my past I have let go and moved on, but it seems I’m still stuck in my 6 year old body, scared, sad and broken. Only wanting one thing, my dad back. I know he’s the only thing I can’t let go from my past, because everytime I think about letting that part of me go, I start to cry. I feel like I’m losing him all over again by letting go.

My body is stronger, I can run for miles, full of energy, releasing the tension and stress off my shoulders. I went on a run today, I was sitting on the couch fighting with my mind, making myself get up and run, my legs were begging to get up and move. So I got up, pulled a sweater over my head, grabbed my head phones, slipped my shoes on and ran outside. It was cloudy and slightly cold. Beginning was hard, my lungs were burning, trying to get more air, not use to the sudden fast pace. After a few minutes I was breathing normal and got into a nice pace running along the river. My mind started wandering… During my runs I try to let go, imaging my worries and stress flying off my body, being left behind while I step further away. I say out loud “let go, Emma”, relax my shoulders and run faster. This run felt different than usual, that is what made me write this post. When I said “let go, Emma” and ran faster, I felt myself really letting go. I felt my heart open up and the past try to leave. It then began to rain, a few drops hit my cheek and I kept running, feeling the emotions swirling around inside me. The drops came down faster and faster, before I knew it, I was crying in the rain, running and trying so hard to let go. I felt a sense of calm wash over me and then the sky cleared and it stopped raining.

I let go a little bit of my past on that run. While I continue trying to let go, it will hurt. My heart aches just thinking about it. Something that has been apart of me for so long, something that I’ve always felt defined me, someone I can never get back, someone I miss so very much, every single day. I feel like letting go of the past, will make me lose the piece of my dad I have in my heart.

I try to tell myself, letting go of the past doesn’t mean I’m losing my dad or the memories, it just means I’m choosing to move on and not let it define who I am as a person. I have many qualities that actually define me and the past is not one of them. It’s something that made me stronger and taught me a lot, but I can’t let it emotionally affect me. By letting go, I’m allowing newer, better things into my life, making my future bright and full of flowers.

My past is out, present is in, future is clear…

A girl becoming stronger by letting go,

Emma

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