Have you ever felt like life was moving fast around you, while you stood still, stuck on your own path, lost and confused? Everyone around you is moving, living, and finding their own way, while you are stuck watching, waiting, trying to find your path to follow. You feel alone and lost, that know one will understand, know one will listen. You try to do it alone, but you soon realize you can’t and everything comes crashing down onto you. You try different ways, different paths but none seem to be the right ones. You end up being trapped in your own tunnel, trying to find the way out, searching blindly in the darkness. You may find an open door but soon realize it leads right back into the dark tunnel, where you are once again, lost.
In one of my previous posts I mentioned how I have overcome the darkness that was in me from my past. I’ve felt good, but what I haven’t fully processed until now, I haven’t actually healed. For 7+ years, I’ve been pushing any sad feelings down inside me, hidden and locked away. I don’t fully realize I’m doing that, It has just become a habit a way I’ve handled my feelings. There are times I want to curl up in a ball and cry it all out, but I can’t. It won’t come out, it’s locked up. The key has been thrown away and lost. I’ve tried and tried to get it out but it’s stuck, slowly forming a bigger hole inside me. I may have dealt with the darkness but I haven’t dealt with the deep sadness lurking around deep in my heart.
Yesterday was the day I realized I needed to try to help myself heal. I tend to push my feelings inside, hiding them with a big smile so no one knows, no one can find out what I’m hiding or what I’m feeling deep inside my heart. The way I cover up the hole inside me, is by doing things for other people. I put all my love and passion into something for someone else. Masking my own feelings and feeling the happiness they feel from what I did for them. I tend to take on the emotions and feelings of the people around me. I absorb their energy, making it mine, hoping it will some how fill me up. I don’t realize I do this, it just happens. It’s like my bodies way of trying to some how “fix” itself, without really diving into the real cause. The sadness, the hurt, and the unbelievable pain.
It appears the only way the dam inside me unplugs is when someone says some simple words: “I’m proud of you for what all you’ve accomplished”, “I know how hard it must be” or “You just need to heal, you know you are loved”. Those words when said to me, make me start to cry. It hits the most sensitive spot. I don’t know why, maybe because it seems like someone understands and gets it. When I’m really about to break, any kind of affirmation said to me makes the feelings stuck inside start to bubble up. However when it starts to come up, I push it right back down. It’s like shaking a Kombucha (or a fizzy drink), opening it and all the fizz rushes out to spill, but you quickly put the cap back on until it dies down. That is what I do. I’m afraid to show sadness, I’m afraid to cry, really cry. I don’t like to see the sadness and concern on the people around me when I start to cry. I don’t want to upset them or make them unhappy. And sometimes it feels like people don’t want to “deal” with your sadness, you’re “too much” to handle. I worry too much about upsetting or hurting the people around me, which I need to work on.
All I want is for someone to say, “don’t worry about me, I’m fine. It’s okay to cry, I’m here” and then hold me and let me cry it all out, until every last tear is out and all my feelings are spilled out, no more fizz rushing to the top. I’ve come to realize I need to see a healer to help me heal completely. I’m lonely and stuck inside a tunnel, water rushing in around my feet, slowly taking me over. I’ve tried to reach out to people, even to just have a friend, yet I get rejected. I’ve never understood why that keeps happening to me. Everytime I get close to someone and think we have a good relationship, something happens and they completely disappear. That’s one reason why I’ve kept my emotions and “problems” to myself. I’ve always been afraid I’ll scare people off. Yet it still happens even when I’m being happy and friendly, showing no worries. I don’t understand, and I don’t think I ever will. It does hurt, why wouldn’t it? Basically being rejected and ignored like you never existed isn’t a good feeling. I’ve learned to just say “oh well” and move on. Yet, I also seem to lock away those feelings along with the rest. Everyone needs to feel appreciated, needed and cared for no one likes to feel ignored. It can’t be a one way street, at least it’s hard being one sided.
I’m starting to realize the things I need to heal and fix. It’s really taking a toll on me physically, I feel stuck in a 100 year old body instead of a 20 something year old body. It has caused me to develop some health conditions, which is rough. Today was a major turning point in my healing journey. Maybe that’s why I’m blogging right now. I needed to say these things, writing is therapy for me. I’ll be starting acupuncture every week – Friday is my first day, managing my cortisol levels, yoga, and seeing a healer. I want to so badly empty this sadness and pain out of me. It hurts too much to keep locked away. I’m excited to feel “light” free from years of pain stuffed away. It’s going to take a lot of work and time to get back where I need to be. But I’m willing and ready. I’ll have rough days, where the feelings start to erupt and I’ll have bright days, feeling light and free from letting go. My future is bright. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m ready to face what is in front of me. One step at a time.
Thank you for listening to my thoughts and reading my words.
I’m ready to heal.